*Note: the following article is entirely satirical. If any of these were possible considering Bargnani’s recent form, we would be living in a parallel universe.
During his time with the New York Knicks, Andrea Bargnani has become a clear fan-favorite. Fans love the tenacity he brings to the court each and every night. He is respected for his impeccable decision-making, as well as his high-flying dunking prowess.
However, the Knicks are now clearly in rebuilding mode. Rumors have been swirling around the internet that proclaim Bargnani is on his way out the door. This, of course, has led to many rebuttals from angry Knicks fans, hoping that the Blue and Orange can hold on to their beloved “Bargs.”
Several championship contenders have reportedly inquired about Bargnani, hoping to land the big man to help bolster their already star-studded squads.
The Knicks have been inundated with countless offers for Bargnani. Since there were so many offers, Phil Jackson & Co. have been unable to address the offers at the present time. Therefore, information regarding the specifics of the trade have remained secret. However, after several days of hard work and, of course, sleuthing, New York Sports Hub has obtained the details of these proposed trades.
Trade #1: “Out with the old, in with the new”
Knicks get: Damian Lillard (PG), Wesley Matthews (SG)
Trail Blazers get: Andrea Bargnani (C)
Damian Lillard and Wesley Matthews are two of the best young guards in the NBA. Lillard continues to develop every day, getting better and better by the minute. Wesley Matthews is enjoying the best season of his career so far. However, neither of them can compare to Andrea Bargnani. The Trail Blazers have a team filled with vibrant youth. Vibrant youth don’t win championships. And that’s where Bargnani comes into play. The Blazers can roll out a starting five with LaMarcus Aldridge, Robin Lopez, and Andrea Bargnani. Now, who wouldn’t want that?
Trade #2: “LeBlockbuster”
Knicks get: LeBron James (SF)
Cavaliers get: Andrea Bargnani (C), José Calderon (PG)
Some people think LeBron James is the best player in the NBA. Others think it is Andrea Bargnani or possibly even Kevin Durant. This trade involves two of the best three players in the NBA. I think the Cavaliers might get the better end of this “LeBlockbuster”, but that’s alright, since the Knicks are in tanking mode. Plus, the Cavaliers have been struggling, so they could use the veteran presence of Bargnani to carry them to the title.
Trade #3: “The Windy City gets even windier”
Knicks get: Pau Gasol (PF), Jimmy Butler (SG), and Kirk Hinrich (SG)
Bulls get: Andrea Bargnani (C)
The Chicago Bulls have been getting plenty of production from the likes of Pau Gasol and Jimmy Butler. However, they are hoping for a championship this season in the Windy City, and everyone knows the now-famous equation, “Bargnani + basketball = NBA Championship.” Is Pau Gasol’s career in the midst of a rebirth? Yes. Is he playing fantastic basketball? Yes. Is Jimmy Butler a promising young player enjoying a breakout season? Yes. Is Kirk Hinrich a solid backup guard? Yes. Are any of these players Andrea Bargnani? No.
Trade #4: “Russell for Muscle”
Knicks get: Russell Westbrook (PG)
Thunder get: Andrea Bargnani (C), Jason Smith (PF)
Russell Westbrook plays with a lot of passion. He always puts in 110% effort, hustling for loose balls and working hard all the time. Do you know who else does this? Andrea Bargnani and Jason Smith. Why would the Thunder want one fiery player when they can have two? This trade makes perfect sense for the Thunder.
Trade #5: “Splash Brother meets Splash Master”
Knicks get: Stephen Curry (PG)
Warriors get: Andrea Bargnani (C)
Stephen Curry is one of the best point guards in the entire NBA. He and his teammate, Klay Thompson, are called the “Splash Brothers” for their remarkable three-point prowess. Although having two “Splash Brothers” on your team is pretty great, I’m almost positive that having a “Splash Master” would be even better. For that reason, Bargnani, the Splash Master, should take his talents to the Golden State.
Trade #6: “Two NBA Finals heroes? We’d rather have Bargs.”
Knicks get: Danny Green (SG), Kawhi Leonard (SF), Marco Bellineli (SG), and Matt Bonner (C)
Spurs get: Andrea Bargnani (C)
Kawhi Leonard is a budding star in the National Basketball Association. He was the NBA Finals MVP in 2014. Danny Green set the record for most three-pointers made in an NBA Finals series. Marco Bellineli and Matt Bonner are both solid shooters and great bench players. Are all of these players worth giving up for Andrea Bargnani? Absolutely. Tim Duncan won’t be around forever (maybe).
Trade #7: “Just Take Him”
Knicks get: nothing
76ers get: Andrea Bargnani (C)
This trade is simple. The Philadelphia 76ers take Andrea Bargnani from the Knicks in exchange for nothing. I guarantee that James Dolan would be the only person dumb enough to pull the trigger on this one.
Trade #8: “3 teams, 4 players, 1 Bargnani”
Knicks get: Dirk Nowitzki (PF), Jamaal Crawford (SG)
Mavericks get: Spencer Hawes (C)
Clippers get: Andrea Bargnani (C)
Dirk Nowitzki and Jamaal Crawford are two older basketball players. They can, however, still be effective. The Clippers would agree to this trade because Bargnani is better than the combination of Crawford and Spencer Hawes (obviously). The Mavericks would choose to give up their star player for Spencer Hawes because it would be an honor for Mark Cuban simply to be involved in a trade with The Great Bargnani.
Trade #9: “KD for AB, JS, TW”
Knicks get: Kevin Durant (SF)
Thunder get: Andrea Bargnani (C), Jason Smith (PF), Travis Wear (SF)
Kevin Durant is one of the best players on the planet, behind LeBron James and Andrea Bargnani. The Thunder are desperate to win a title, so they choose to part ways with KD and bring on AB. Jason Smith and Travis Wear would be shipped to Oklahoma City as well, just to make the salaries work (of course).
Trade #10: “The Best”
Knicks get: LeBron James (SF), Kevin Durant (SF), Damian Lillard (PG)
Cavaliers get: Amar’e Stoudemire (PF)
Thunder get: Andrea Bargnani (C), José Calderon (PG)
Trail Blazers get: Jason Smith (PF)
Do I even have to explain this one? I’m still not sure the Knicks get the better end of this deal, though. Oh well…
By the way, this was all a joke (in case you didn’t notice). Bargnani would never go anywhere because he is the best player in the NBA. The Knicks would be stupid to give him up.