Hyperbole Hill: Jesse Marsch Will Win New York’s First MLS Cup

You heard it here first, Jesse Marsch will bring us that trophy that we have all coveted for so long. 2008 marked the closest this franchise has ever gotten to the Cup, after reaching the finals. This past year witnessed the New York side from being one goal away to at least matching the accomplishments of that season. Alas, Charlie Davies somehow found his form in the largely successful playoff run by New England to secure the Revolution’s spot in the top drawing.

The offseason always seems like an eternity as every team takes some time off to recoup from a long playing period, and then eventually transitions into preseason practice. Players are able to reconnect with their teammates and enjoy time in usually warmer climates as they gear up through friendlies and camps to find some form ahead of opening day.

For fans the waiting is simply agonizing, with many people deeming this break period as “silly season.” Each team makes changes and brings in new faces, as they try to scramble into a good starting position. With Red Bull fans, it has been particularly painful with the departure of familiar faces of Thierry Henry and Mike Petke, Andy Roxborough, Jamison Olave, Bobby Convey (Just kidding… Sorry, Bobby), Ambroise Oyongo, Eric Alexander, and Tim Cahill most notably.

Although this list is not exhaustive, it points to a number of personnel and players that will dearly be missed.

Replacing them comes Sporting Director Ali Curtis (notoriously), Head Coach Jesse Marsch, Sacha Kljestan, Ronald Zubar, and college superstars Leo Stolz and Sean Davis to name a handful. God willing these new arrivals pan out to some new success.

But anyway, back to the important thing. Jesse Marsh. After Mike Petke was sacked earlier in January for reasons unknown (not good enough? not the right fit?), the immediately despised Ali Curtis brought in Jesse Marsch as a successor. Immediately following his appointment the usual conspiracies came about that the Austrian overlords are doing everything to spite us, that Curtis was a DC United sleeper cell, or that Marsch simply got the job out of nepotism from his MLS corporate colleague.

Take it as you will but it happened and Marsch ain’t going nowhere (for a year, at least).

I have seen several reasons why the team as is is a serious contender to be the best team overall and win every title imaginable, even the CONCACAF (which we aren’t even qualified for this cycle or next). All the ingredients for the recipe for success has taken place this offseason and they are as followed:

Ali Curtis is a Madman and provides great support for Marsch


Although some fans still hate him or mock him for his actions, the man has done everything on this god given world to formally establish his policy of “screw it.” Ever since coming in, people have flaunted his 300 page plan for the club, with MetroFanatic creating by far the closest layout of what the actual plan states.

Once you get to the “vision” portion of the plan, it becomes clear that daredevil and Stratos jumper, Felix Baumgartner will become the next and best Designated Player (DP) signing this team had ever witnessed before. Aside from that, he presided over the complicated deal that involved transferring Oyongo’s contract burden and securing top allocation for Kljestan.

Not only that, but during the SuperDraft he managed to single handedly piss off every front office in the league and scream na-na-na-boo-boo. To be specific, the team had the 18th pick in the first round, and still managed, after 17 rounds ahead of us to secure Leo Stolz, known as the best player in college soccer, and the “only one fit for professional soccer.”

Whether that pans out matters not, because from other reports the team will be in the market for more DPs. God willing, and with Curtis’s impeccable transfer judgment and capabilities, he will surely oversee the signing of marquee players like Ronaldo or Zlatan, maybe even bring Pirlo back in for some time, or even take Carles Puyol out of retirement.

Just spitballing ideas, but don’t discount any or this man’s ability.

The Red Bulls have the BEST DP in Bradley Wright Phillips

David Villa who? Bradley Wright-Phillips has been dubbed the Ultimate Scoring Machine, by the faithful. And to affirm his accomplishments, he has become the third player to reach the record 27 goals in one season. In that process, he over took club favorite Juan Pablo Angel, and tied World Cup Superstar Chris Wondolowski and ultra-memorable Roy Lassiter.

I mean, who can forget that ever wonderful 1996 season when the Mutiny took the Supporters Shield, and how relevant they stayed after that? Bradley was also the game winning scorer in the MLS All Star game which oversaw the best of the best knock Guardiola down and make him a bit pouty…

That Guardiola… playing so hard to get. Reminds me of my ex-wife (for the record, I’ve never been married). That aside, no one has made a valid claim to say that Wright-Phillips isn’t the best player ever, nor that he’ll bring the most bang for his buck. Below is the list of all Designated Players in MLS where no one can catch Bradley Wright-Phillips:


Good luck trying to prove me wrong on this one.

He is focused on finally fulfilling a real promise from Red Bull

That is right! Jesse Marsch is trying to give us and the team wings! As you can read from that Empire of Soccer article, Marsch demands from the team the kind of upbeatness (is this even a word?) and the ability to fly past every other team. For those who need visual aid, here is what he asked for:

I imagine this is exactly what Marsch wants from the new team he is building. Yet, quite quickly after he made the afore pointed at comment, he backed up and realized we cannot actually piss on the other teams.

Nonetheless, I believe he is still trying to make the point that the team is looking for a more pacey side, and one that could outrun and outsmart everyone. It’s kinda like the tortoise and the hare, where he is trying to make us become the hare.

“Wait. Didn’t the hare lo…” “SHHHHH!!!!”

On a mission to build the team from the bottom up

So in the past, we may have had a solid youth side and a solid NPSL team, but they never seemed to connect with each other or the A side. Now it seems that has changed. Curtis mentioned one of the biggest changes he hoped to see over the years was that every team had a USL pro side, or an affiliate side.

His story of meeting an RSL keeper who hasn’t seen playing time in four years caused him to pass that bill, and launch New York Red Bulls II. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. This name is way better than Empire Soccer Club, and at least this way they get to command all parts of the “marketing”and not compromise, like the “commie-hippies” they don’t want to be.

You can read about that whole thing in the link to Once a Metro’s article.

So now I would like to ask the question, “all these components are better linked than ever, will that mean that we will only care about the academy?” It makes the most sense. We can develop Thierry Henry like players with out difficult negotiations or huge transfer demands, and we get World Cup level talent.


This way we can kinda neglect the rest with a focus on one aspect of the game, pumping money into the youth side. Remember, I said he will bring the first cup, not when he’ll do it.

The Glory Day

So now that you are all better informed about what Marsch will be the next successful coach in MLS, we can finally all rest easy on his ability to perform on this stage. Curtis will continue to play the rules by the book, but since he wrote them he can spin any ambiguous areas to “oh but I meant it to work like this,” just before he runs over another team.

Then Wright-Phillips will continue to be an Ultimate Scoring Machine after we send him down to Florida to make sure everything’s in order. German makes are always difficult to maintain. Moreover, a combination of drinking tons of Red Bull and zeroing in on youth development will give us a recipe for victory, and maybe heart failure.

The days of not raising the cup are numbered, Hail Marsch.


2 thoughts on “Hyperbole Hill: Jesse Marsch Will Win New York’s First MLS Cup”

  1. God I hope your right. I will take everything back I’ve ever said against RBNY owning the team and Ali Curtis tenure. Until then, until they prove themselves #REDBULLOUT . Marc De Grandpre fired Bruce Arena, became 3x MLS Cup winning coach. De Grandpre fires Giovanni Saverese our youth director he goes on to win a NASL title with the Cosmos. Petke the only coach to win a meaningful trophy and to beat the scum in the playoffs fired for a coach that has a 33% win percentage. Marsch, Curtis, De Grandpre need to prove themselves and win the cup. If not #REDBULL OUT


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